People do crazy things when they are in love.
My first love was my mother. What little boy's isn't? I knew she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and I know my dad agreed.
My second was the girl I got caught talking with in class. We had something special that day we had to stay after school.
I liked square dancing in Sixth Grade, but I wouldn't admit it.
There was the long, dark hair that swayed in the hallway in Seventh Grade.
There was also the Secret Admirer who was apparently in my Homemaking Class. (Yes, I took that, and the girls took Shop.) She and her friends put notes in my locker, teepeed my house, and repeatedly called our telephone, hanging up at all hours of the day and night, ...when my grandfather was on his death-bed in Iowa. My parents were not amused, nor was I. She eventually revealed herself and several years later we were both at the same house-party/kegger. We talked. She said that I must have hated her. I told her no, and that I forgave her.
There was my high-school crush that I never acted upon, but wish I had. Lesson learned.
There was the sister of one of my best friends. She demonstrated several times that she liked me, quite boldly in some ways. I believe she was my first kiss. When she was ready I was not; and when I was ready she was entertaining pursuit from others. We always seemed to be on different trajectories. She came to my parent's house on Christmas Day and she was beautiful. My girlfriend and eventual wife was also there, and that was the last time I saw her. Lesson learned.
There was the girl who was a new chemical engineer and had just moved to Midland. One of my volleyball buddies knew her and she needed help moving into her apartment, which was in the same complex as mine. I went to help, and she was really cute; and interesting. I went back. We liked to talk and I told her about my hometown. I asked her out, and we went to an outdoor concert. I asked her out again and we rode our bikes to Sanford Lake for the day. It was July 4th. We swam in the lake together, and then went to the fireworks that evening. We had ridden our bikes, so we were able to bypass the line of cars leaving the fairgrounds. Then we went back to my apartment, ...and she misunderstood my intentions. She left. I didn't call. She briefly saw me in the apartment complex and asked me where I had been. I was too embarrassed to pursue it, and had realized we really weren't right for each other. We were both engineers and were probably too much alike. Lessons learned.
There was the singer at my childhood friend's wedding. She had a gorgeous voice and sang some solos. As I watched her, I decided she was the one for me during that evening and that wedding. I don't recall anything about the situation, except that I drove her home to where she was staying, at the bride's parents' house. In the car, in the driveway, I accomplished my mission, and she liked it. She was really pretty. Lesson learned.
After my wife died, I spent eleven (11) months in isolation. I needed that time alone and had begun reading about things that led to me acquiring my Cooler Hat. I wanted to find someone in Midland who was also pursuing those things, and heard about a particular woman through someone my sister knew. She was going to hold an introductory teaching session at a particular place in the local mall. I put it on my wall calendar.
The day before the session, I needed to get some things at a store in the mall, and while I was there I realized I needed to find the location of the meeting. The mall was not doing very well financially and there were no directories of the various stores at the entrances, like there used to be. I had to wander around to search for the venue, and eventually stumbled upon the coffee shop I have mentioned numerous times on this blog.
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| 12/8 --> 11; 12/8/2021 --> 16 --> 7 |
The next day, I arrived in time for the meeting at 1:30 PM and sat at a table by myself where I could assess the situation. I did not know who I was looking for, but there was a woman with a laptop and some books sitting in the back of the shop. I waited. Soon, a few more women showed up and joined her, and I concluded they were the group, but I decided to cancel my plan. She was teaching beginners and I did not want to disrupt her presentation by being a know-it-all and hijacking her agenda. Besides, I had been approached by another woman who was working as a volunteer barista in the coffee shop and we talked about my bereavement and some people we both knew.
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| Dec 8, 2021 |
The movie my wife and I watched after eating dessert at Ruthie's was Dan in Real Life. In that movie, one of Dan's adolescent daughters is in love, but he does not approve. He thinks she is too young and what she is experiencing is "not love." She passionately disagrees and rebels against his authority.
Okay, Dad, I ... I love Marty.
Oh, please...
Dad, Dad, .. Dad, Dad, stop. Will you just listen? I didn't know right away. It took me a while.
What's "a while?"
Well, I've known him for three weeks, but I knew in three days.
Three days?! You can't know in three days!
[Seventeen-year-old older sister]: Well, maybe she can.
No, no, no! What you're feeling is not love. It is young, ... and reckless, .. and not thought out.
I love him! I love him! I love him!
You may think it's love, .. but it is not.
I love him! I love him!
No, it's not!
I love him! I love him!
No, it's not!
I love him! I love him!
This "three days" is a theme throughout the movie.
Dan has been widowed for four years, and he meets Marie. After three days, Dan realizes he is in love with Marie. His girls tell him...
Then go get her.
I have watched that movie well over one hundred times.
Several days after my first visit to the coffee shop, my sister and brother-in-law, and their two dogs, visited and stayed at my house for two nights. Right after they left during the afternoon of Wednesday the 15th, I was strongly prompted to go back to the coffee shop. It was around 2 PM. I talked with the woman I had seen behind the counter and had never met anyone like her before. She wore her faith on her sleeve and spoke very openly about it. And, she was very pretty. My urgent question was, "Who are you??!"
I could tell she was definitely younger than me, but how much younger I did not know. And she was not wearing a ring1, one of the first things I looked for. I learned we have many things in common, the main thing being our faith. She told me she regularly worked there on Wednesdays and Fridays at 2 PM.
I went back for a third time on Friday and finally got to talk with her for three hours after closing time. I had to know more about her. No woman that pretty would remain unclaimed, and by the time we finished our discussion I had my answer.
One of the themes in my blog is the subject of remarriage after divorce, and it is motivated by this situation. Ever since that third encounter, I have known where I stand. I can be friends with this woman and can develop a deep relationship with her, but intimacy is off the table. The coffee shop is about developing deep relationships with people, and that is what this woman taught me to do. Even though she left Midland nearly eleven (11) months ago, I have continued to develop relationships with other people, both inside and outside the coffee shop, thanks to her.
It was through her friendship that I learned about personality types, which I have talked about on this blog. I am INTJ; she is INFP.2 I learned that from a blog she wrote years ago. She is like Amélie in the movie trailer, above.
My wife and I did not understand each other's personalities, but we loved each other and made it work. We were a powerful and effective team because we were different. My coffee shop friend and I have personality types that are "advisors" to each other. When I learned that, I was overjoyed because it explained everything. I have learned so much from her.
It should be apparent from reading this blog that I believe apparent "coincidences" are actually God's fingerprints as He leads us through our lives. I have learned this lesson by looking back at my experiences over the years. God makes known the end from the beginning. I watched Dan in Real Life repeatedly as I grieved in 2021, and the final line of the movie is...
Plan to be surprised.
I am still in love with my wife, and always will be, but God intends for me to move on. That is why there is a grieving process. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really liked being married. The "fringe benefits" are nice, but companionship is what I miss the most. My bride was older than me, and that had its risks and consequences. As an INTJ, I always think about the possibilities, and having a younger companion would certainly open up opportunities for excitement and adventure.
When I realized the Holy Spirit was pointing at this woman, I exclaimed, "Don't tease me!" He replied...
I don't tease.
She and I have had our disagreements and misunderstandings, but working through those things is a part of life. Lessons learned.
I believe God wants to use a relationship He is building between us to teach others about His intentions and standards concerning marriage and relationships between a man and a woman. I believe demonstrating a deep, loving and respectful relationship that does not involve marriage or intimacy can shine light into the darkness of our culture.
Like the Amélie character in the movie, I am using this blog, and Facebook, and any other means I can find to pursue my friend and lead her and teach her. The Spirit has told me many times...
If you want the girl, then lead the girl.
I was trying to do that with my wife, but He took her away. God's ways are not our ways.
All glory to God.
UPDATE, October 7, 2023...
UPDATE, October 8, 2023...
People do crazy things when...
I checked out the DVD from the Grace A. Dow Memorial Library through MeLCat, but decided I would like to have my own copy. I think I'm going to watch this movie a lot.
It's pretty pricey because the film has no overall worldwide distributor for Home Media. I got the last one. Hopefully, delivery will work out and the quality will be good.
UPDATE, October 10, 2023...
I have to add one other amazing "coincidence." My coffee shop friend arrived in Midland on the same day my wife and I went to the condominium in Antrim County (Ruthie's) and watched Dan in Real Life.
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| 9/7 --> 16 --> 7; 9/7/2020 --> 20 --> 2 👥 |
You can't make this stuff up!
See why I like her? 😃
UPDATE, October 12, 2023...
This is used as the love theme in the movie.3 It may be a bit 🌽y, but I think the lyrics are particularly applicable to our situation. God is so hilarious! 🤣
UPDATE, October 24, 2023...
In the movie, the old man and Amélie develop a close relationship. He figures her out and gives her advice.
If my "Amélie" friend were to allow me to give her advice, I might start here:
1) Forgive. Always forgive. Jesus commands us to do it, no matter how difficult it may be.
2) Don't try to conform to the world. Be you. Amélie was the waitress, not the manager. She simply did her job and was free to pursue her idealistic dreams and passions.
3) You are rare. We are rare. Intuitives are rare, and the majority of people in the world do not understand us, but we understand each other. Embrace this.
4) Let others do what they do best, and cherish the gifts they bring.
At the risk of causing irritation by citing impersonal data, ...
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INFP = Amélie (1 in every 23 people.)4
INTJ = me (1 in every 48 people.)
INFJ = my spiritual sibling (1 in every 67 people.)
As the chart shows, we are rare.
I am just amazed at how God orchestrates things, down to the finest detail.
UPDATE, October 25, 2023...
The One I am ultimately in love with is The LORD. He is the one who dumps all of the Four-Drachma Coins into my lap. He is the one who brought her to Midland in his precise timing. And He is the one she is in love with, too.
My spiritual sibling was very frustrated with me the other day, and she let me know it, but it led to teachable moments for us both. She was tired of hearing my ridiculous optimism and seeing the love in my eyes, and she tried to convince me that our mutual friend is not coming back. I heard her out, and then told her she does not know the future, nor do I, but I know who does. He will bring about what He is going to bring about, and I am content with that. We ended up loving one another more deeply than ever.
This season of bliss in my life comes during a time when the world seems to be falling apart, and I believe The LORD has given it to me as a gift. He is increasing my faith, and I am shouting it from the rooftops. That is one of the big reasons I have and maintain this blog. It allows me to express my joy and reread about all of the pearls He has scattered into my life. It allows me to hopefully communicate with people I love and those He graces with understanding.
UPDATE, October 26, 2023...
1 Added the link.
4 Added these descriptions of rarity.
UPDATE, October 28, 2023...
I was pleased to hear today one of my other coffee shop friends say they had read this post, and we had a nice discussion about it. In light of that, I am going to include some things here that I clarified with them.
The way I read the Bible...
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39 NIV)
Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Luke 16:18 NIV)
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Hebrews 10:26-31 NIV)
For me to pursue more than friendship with a divorced woman would put me into the "deliberately sinning" category, and I will not go there. I won't risk putting her into that kind of situation either.
So, I am safe. God is using me to make a point. Do I desire something more than just friendship? Sure, but it's irrelevant. I want to be her friend, her brother in Christ, like I am with my spiritual sibling. I want to help my "Amélie" friend grow spiritually, as we both build each other up. And I want to demonstrate to those who love Jesus what the real standard is, so they are not misled and deceived by what the world teaches.
This is actually part of my job, and I'm having so much fun doing it. 😊
And, just to make sure there are no misunderstandings, there is nothing sinful about leaving a marriage if it is an abusive or bad situation.
Rather than get into all of that, I highly recommend people listen to David Pawson's lectures about Remarriage After Divorce. It is very loving and thorough, and you can find it at his website here.5
Those who find themselves remarried after divorce when they come to faith, or learn that it is wrong, can ask Jesus what to do about their specific situations. God desires mercy, not sacrifice. Repentance requires us to put right what can be put right, but we don't want to make things worse. Nobody can put right everything they have done wrong. Again, Jesus will guide us, if we ask him.
Getting ourselves right with God is the first place to start. If you have not read my Apprentice of Jesus post, please do. I believe it will point you in the right direction.
Blessings.
UPDATE, October 29, 2023...
3 Added this statement to explain the corny video.
Adjusted footnotes to keep the footnote subjects (red) in order.
UPDATE, November 4, 2023...
This video analyzes the personality of Amélie Poulain6...
"Amélie is a child at heart."
Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:3 NIV)
...something I aspire to be like. My analytical, logical mind needs to have the faith of a child, which is what I try to do. She does this naturally.
Dan Burns from Dan in Real Life...
What is it? That it's frustrating that you can't be with this person? That, ..that, ..there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person you really connect with? [Cut to Marie overhearing this in the other room.] And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart! And you know, that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself!
Studying Amélie helps me become the best possible version of myself, and spending time with a real, live "Amélie" is even better.
See why I like her? 😃
YouTube keeps offering related videos, and this one is very interesting from a film-making perspective, which is something I am interested in. It is called Why Amélie is so Weird. (... meaning the movie, not the character.)
UPDATE, November 8, 2023...
6 This analysis mentions criticisms made against the movie for its perceived "lack of diversity," but the whole point of the movie is to depict Amélie's idealistic world. She lives in a dream, not reality, and that's okay. We get to enter into that dream for two hours and two minutes to escape our burdens, and this is one of the reasons I love my friend. She provides me that escape and helps me not always be so serious.
Boneheads who make those kinds of criticisms are just exhibiting their own judgmental biases and programming, and are simply worth ignoring.
You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. (Matthew 24:6 NIV)
She helps me not be alarmed. 😊
7 ...while I desire to protect my friend and help her be successful. 😉
The Father has brought us together for His good and perfect reasons, and He does not make mistakes. He has us both strategically positioned and prepared. The Darkness has been trying to keep us apart, ...but it will ultimately fail.
Hence, my "ridiculous optimism." 🤣
UPDATE, November 10, 2023...
7 Added the additional statements.
UPDATE, November 20, 2023...
5 The link to the webpage with the audio files I listened to seems to be missing or broken. I am leaving it here in case it becomes available again.
Here is a link to Individual Messages about divorce and remarriage. I do not believe I have listened to these, but am sure the content is similar.
Here is a link to the webpage highlighting his book, Remarriage is Adultery Unless....
His video introducing the book is a good summary and worth listening to. It is short.
David Pawson died in 2020.
Adjusted footnotes to keep the footnote subjects (red) in order.
UPDATE, November 21, 2023...
2 Added the link.
Adjusted footnotes to keep the footnote subjects (red) in order.
UPDATE, February 18, 2024...
Sometimes it is necessary to be blunt and direct.
When I listened to David Pawson's lectures about Remarriage After Divorce, I made note of the Scripture references he discussed. I am going to list them here in the order he presented them. The "red letters" are the words attributed to Jesus.
Luke 16:18
Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Luke 16:18 NIV)
Mark 10:2-12
Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
“What did Moses command you?” he replied.
They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:2-12 NIV)
Matthew 5:31-32
It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:31-32 NIV 2011)
This is the "one exception," meaning Jesus uses words translated as: "except."
Here is the previous version of the NIV translation, which was the version Pawson used when he gave his lectures. (I would listen to confirm this, but that recording seems to be gone, as I stated, above.) ...
It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:31-32 NIV 1984)
You can read other translations of the second part here: Matthew 5:32.
Pawson points out this "one exception" has been interpreted very widely by many to justify remarriage after divorce. Some Bible translations even seem to do this.
That current NIV version, above, is illogical. If the woman is being divorced because she sinned through "sexual immorality," how is she a "victim" of adultery? It does not make any sense. If he divorces her because he wants to commit sexual immorality himself, that is not an exception, it is simply his sinful behavior. In that case, she is a victim of his behavior, but that is not what Jesus is saying here and he is not giving her license to abandon her covenant with her husband just because he did.
These interpretations are not consistent with all of the other places in Scripture where Jesus plainly and clearly established his expectations.
That older NIV translation presumes the woman will remarry just to survive, and therefore be forced to live as an adulteress, and if she is being divorced because she had been unfaithful she would already be an adulteress. It is logically consistent.
Matthew 19:3-12
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” (Matthew 19:3-12 NIV)
This one also has the "exception," and the reason for the divorce is even more vague, but the part about marrying another woman is definite. It is called polygamy. Pawson calls remarriage after divorce "consecutive polygamy." As many spouses as you like, just one at at time.
Paul said these things about the topic...
Romans 7:1-3
Do you not know, brothers and sisters—for I am speaking to those who know the law—that the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives? For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man. (Romans 7:1-3 NIV)
1 Corinthians 7:39
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39 NIV)
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NIV)
He also said these things, which are related...
1 Corinthians 7:12-16
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16 NIV)
1 Corinthians 7:28
But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV)
I am nobody's judge; Jesus is the judge, and these are his criteria.
If people ignore these words, they risk standing before Jesus in defiance of him.
If I know about these teachings, yet say nothing to those those who flaunt them while claiming to follow Jesus, then I risk his condemnation for not doing my job.
Jesus does not want to make us happy. He wants to save us from our sins.
To be saved, we must repent and be holy. There are no "tickets to heaven."
"Marriage licenses," and their corresponding divorce proceedings, are Sea Jurisdiction, legal contracts and have nothing to do with biblical, Land-Jurisdiction marriages. I discussed this in the December 5, 2022 update of my Submission post.
UPDATE, February 19, 2024...
Encouraging a lamb to wander the hills is cruel.
Pulchritude is fleeting.
If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.
We believe those we do not know, and hate those who love us.
If a blind woman leads a blind woman, both will end up in the ditch.
Those who claim to know will be held to account.
Those who believe the ones they trust are innocent.
Love always trusts.
Presuming to know without investigating the facts leads to error.
A butterfly is beautiful in its season, but dies alone.
Cultivating deep relationships and then abandoning them is cruel.
Yearning for the ideal in an imperfect world leads to discouragement.
The answer is right in front of you.
These things are common sense.
UPDATE, March 31, 2024...
The Spirit has counseled me more about this situation.
My Amélie friend was under a great deal of stress in the coffee shop. Her personality inspired and drove her to love people, and those people loved her in return, so much so that it overwhelmed her. She always said she needed her personal time at home, and I'm sure it was because she needed to get away from all of the pressure.
She had spent most of her life in relatively populated areas, which meant she was always around a lot of people. Now she is living in a relatively rural area, which means the number of people she has to deal with are far fewer. She can give them the love she longs to give without being overwhelmed herself. This is obviously a good thing.
She worked out the "contract" she had made with God by staying in Midland the two years she had planned in order to learn what she needed to learn. Then she got to escape to the solitude of her dreams. That is why she was always talking about it.
She has also met a man she wants to marry, and I am glad. Part of my concern for her had been she was living in the world as a lone woman, and given what I know about what is going on in the world, in general, it concerned me, but I was confident God was watching out for her, and it looks like he has. She needs a man to love and protect her.
She deserves to be happy.
I now believe God did not actually want her to know what I know about remarriage after divorce. Jesus is the only one who actually lived a perfect life. We can't, so he did it for us.
As I move on with my life, God will be able to use my testimony about this subject to influence those he wants to influence. I am so grateful for the grace of knowing my Amélie friend, and what The Spirit has taught me through her.