This is what life was like before Adam sinned...
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25 NKJV)And this was the result of the sin...
So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. (Genesis 3:6-7 NKJV)Somehow, sin caused them to feel shame. The man and the woman hid from God because of their shame. I am intrigued by what God said when He found them hiding in the Garden...
And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?” (Genesis 3:11 NKJV)"Who?" The man and the woman were the only people God had created, and by His question we know God did not tell them they were nude. So, who did? Who was this "who?"
The serpent said nothing about their lack of clothing, although he did lie to tempt them to disobey God. The serpent was not with them after that incident, but their shame remained, and it remains to this day in each of us. So, what is it, or more accurately, who is it that perpetuates our shame?
As you may know from my previous posts, God had mercy on me and allowed me to be delivered from demons. I know this is true because of what I was told afterwards, and more importantly, how my life changed from that moment. Some behaviors and attitudes were no longer present; I had been set free from them. Since then, I have learned how to recognize temptations and assaults, and how to defend against them. I have also learned how to work with Jesus to free myself from additional things that remained in me after my experience on Neptune Beach.
And here is an amazing thing: The more freedom I obtain, the less shame I feel. The more sin I confess and renounce, the more freedom I have. This is a glorious thing, and is part of becoming sanctified -- a religious term for becoming like Jesus. This is what Jesus wants for us.
So, I believe the "shame" Adam and Eve felt after they sinned was an effect of demons entering into them because of their sin. That is why God asked "who?" Demons are fallen angels, and angels are beings. They have names. The angel Gabriel visited Mary, the mother of Jesus, as well as the prophet Daniel many years earlier (Luke 1:19; Daniel 8:16; 9:21). Fallen angels have names, too, although they probably lie about them.
Why is this important? Because we can tell where an enemy is vulnerable by observing what they attack and defend against. The Darkness goes after human sexuality. Why? They don't seem to cause dogs, cats and cows to be ashamed that they are naked. Why us? Because they want to drive a wedge between us. They want to separate us from God and they want to separate us from each other, especially married couples.
That must mean married couples are a threat to the Darkness. This is a mystery. There's that word again.
Because of this, I choose to follow Jesus in fighting the Darkness, and He leads me to cultivate a Godly relationship with my wife. The Darkness fights us by promoting all kinds of human sexuality in the wrong context, and attacking the freedom of our God-given sexuality in the right context. God created our sexuality as a good thing, and the Darkness tries to destroy it.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10 NIV)Our sexuality is part of the fullness of life, and Jesus wants us to have it!
What Does This Mean?
The Song of Songs, or Song of Solomon, is part of the Bible. Some people are uncomfortable with this, but I have observed that those who embrace The Song for what it is -- Hebrew, erotic literature about monogamous sexuality, as God designed it -- are most at peace and full of joy about their sexuality, and what God wants them to do with it.Having been interested in The Song for some time, I have read various translations and other things about it and have noticed some people seem to want to interpret it as an allegory about Christ and the Church. I think that is partially correct, given The Mystery and how God uses marriage as a model to help us understand our relationship with Him, but I think those folks are missing what is plainly there. The Song is about sex. They may feel shame about that because they feel shame about sex.
I have actually started to measure how much I trust a translation, author, or theologian by how they treat The Song. Those who seem to be ashamed of it are probably ashamed about other things, as well, and therefore may not be reliable. Those who revel in the beauty of God's creation of human sexuality seem to resonate more with the Holy Spirit. It's just an observation.
So, what am I to do with this? My wife and I have a good understanding of our roles in our marriage, and as we try to practice them our relationship gets better and better. I am learning to lead, and she is learning to submit. I am her head, and Jesus is my head. These things are well described in the Bible, and well understood by many who love The Word. But, my wife and I are still not entirely "on the same page." She acknowledges she doesn't always understand me, and I have to be patient with her and realize that we are different.
God made us different, and that is good. Learning to recognize, respect, and accommodate those differences is part of marriage, and essential for helping us understand Jesus and our relationships with Him. I am as different from my wife as Jesus is from His bride. As I wait for my wife to submit to my headship, I learn that I must ask Jesus what He wants from me so I can submit to Him and obey Him.
Revelation
The Holy Spirit revealed to me the other day that what I desire from my wife is for her to be my "Shulamite." For about six years, I have been trying to figure this out, sometimes through my own strength. We have made much, much progress, and our marriage is better than it has ever been -- and that's saying a lot because it's always been pretty good! But I still have some deep desires for things she is not comfortable with, and I have been perplexed with how to proceed.When the Holy Spirit showed me that I need to ask her to be my Shulamite, I exclaimed in my spirit, "That's it!" (Think of Charles Schultz's "Peanuts" television show Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown, when Lucy's object of love, Schroeder, finally figures out how to play Jingle Bells on his toy piano.) I hope my wife sees it that way. If Jesus is involved, it's going to work.
The Song is attributed to King Solomon, and the Shulamite (Shunammite) is thought to possibly be Abishag, the beautiful girl who comforted Solomon's father, King David, in his final days. She is not specifically identified, however, and it doesn't really matter.
Much of The Song is spoken by the woman, although it was probably written by a man. I think that means the song reflects a husband's idea about what he desires from his wife. Given that God is male (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit -- who is referred to as "He"), it is also inspired from a male perspective. The Song provides a way for a woman to study and understand her husband, and how to reach and fulfill his deepest desires. The Song paints a picture of how to be the submissive, erotic wife her husband needs her to be, so he can fight the battles he must fight against the Darkness.
The Darkness does what it can to suppress this. I have an encyclopedic book about who the people are in the Bible, and I looked up the Shulamite. She isn't there, in any spelling that I can find. The reference about Abishag makes no mention of The Song, which is partially understandable because there is no direct reference connecting them in the Bible, but the limited number of references to her hometown should justify at least a mention of the possibility, in my opinion. There is a lot of false teaching in the Church, and some of the errors are propagated through books and resources. Errors of omission are particularly hard to spot, but the Holy Spirit gives us discernment.
The Darkness knows that a woman is more open to suggestions and more likely to speak her mind than a man. That is how God made woman, and it is good. She needs those qualities to be a "suitable helper" to her man (Genesis 2:18 NIV). But the Darkness turns those strengths into vulnerabilities, and that is why the serpent tempted the woman. God left the man in charge, and apparently gave him the opportunity and grace to bring things back from the brink, until he ate the fruit himself. That was the moment of disaster, when things fell apart.
The Darkness continues to exploit these vulnerabilities today. Our culture venerates "feminism" and scoffs at the traits of a "gentleman." These lies cause people to sin, and the world remains lost and blind. It is only by rejecting these lies, and the sins that follow, that we have any hope of defeating the Darkness, both individually and collectively as the people of God.
Men must lead, and give their wives the love they need. Women must submit, and give their husbands the respect they need. Part of that respect is recognizing their husbands are wired to be visually aroused by the female features of a woman. Not only must they recognize and accept this, but they must not sin by judging their husbands, or any man, for responding as God intends.
The photo at the top of this post arouses me, as a man. It is part of a marketing photo that was undoubtedly digitally enhanced to maximize visual appeal in order to sell something. Those legs are not those of my wife, but it doesn't matter. I do not know who they belong to, and I don't care. Seeing the female form triggers God-given mechanisms in my mind that give me pleasure, and because I have a wife, who properly shares herself with me, I think of her. And I want to be with her. And I care about nobody else but her.
What is it that makes that view so appealing? Attitude and body language. The tights and heels certainly enhance the form, but by daring to wear those things a woman signals an incredible attitude of sensual assertiveness. More importantly, the body language is shouting, "Look at me!" The wide stance conveys power, and the extended right foot hints at provocatively tilted hips mysteriously hidden off the top of the image. Presentation makes the package, and those who are in the business of attracting attention know this.
A woman might look at that photo, or see a woman dressed like that in public, and allow a spirit of jealousy to enter into her. She might start thinking negative thoughts about her own legs, or what she might presume her husband is thinking, but that would be letting the Darkness win. If she knows her husband likes stockings and heels, perhaps she could find a way to dress that way for him sometime, and include some assertive body language to enhance the package! If he responds like a gentleman, it will surely lead to good things. My wife knows what I like because we spend time together and talk about what we see. We go shopping together and she dresses for me when she can, and in ways that she can. I love telling her how sexy she looks, and she likes it. This is one way we make love outside the bedroom.
Being a Shulamite
In The Song, the woman does much of the talking. She expresses her feelings and desires, her wants and her needs. She affirms her man, and boasts about him to others. She is not afraid to discuss with her fellow Israelite women how marvelous her husband is, and how lucky she is to have him. Her love and desire for her husband are all she can think about, and she lets them all know it.Most of the man's words are about what he sees, and how he likes what he sees. Men are visual, and the woman allows her man to gaze upon her body, without shame. A Shulamite is confident about her sexuality and the body God has given to her. She shares it with her husband as a gift. She causes him to look at nobody else, by the way she dresses in public and in private. She gives him memories to play over and over in his mind, to God's delight. She makes other men envious of her husband, and inspires other women how to please theirs, to show the world what it's really like to walk with God!
The Song is erotic, but tasteful. It uses many poetic euphemisms to describe various expressions of lovemaking that are not simply utilitarian for making offspring. The couple speak in a euphemistic code that they understand, and that can be discerned by mature and experienced lovers. I think one of the reasons some of the English translations of The Song are inconsistent may be reluctance by the translators to admit the details of what is actually being discussed in the text.
A man deeply desires his wife to be his Shulamite. That is why it is in the Bible. When a wife embraces this and commits to learning, understanding and practicing what she learns from The Song, she will satisfy her husband's deepest needs -- to be wanted, desired and respected by his wife. He will simply want more of her, and will treat her like a queen. No one else will turn his head, and the Darkness will be defeated.
Okay, so how does a woman actually achieve this? Reading The Song is one thing, but how can she evaluate her own situation, and what can she do in a practical way? Of course, it all needs to start with prayer and being humble before God. Repentance and belief in Jesus are always necessary and key. If baptism in water and/or Holy Spirit have not happened, then those things need to be done. Then the Holy Spirit can do His work. He guides into all truth, serves as an advocate, and convicts sin. He keeps us on the right path.
Being a Shulamite involves attitudes and behaviors that must be learned. Some women with high libidos might figure these things out by themselves, but most women will learn more quickly if they are taught. The Holy Spirit encourages this teaching to take place between women, as mentioned by Paul in his letter to Titus...
But as for you [Titus], speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that... the older women... be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. (Titus 2:1-5 NKJV)By "older women," Paul surely means more-experienced women.
Notice that "loving their husbands" comes first, before loving their children, taking care of the household, and even obeying their own husbands! The word translated into "loving their husbands" is philandros.1 According to "HELPS Word Studies (see the link), this means...
"phílandros (from...phílos, "loving friend" and... anḗr, "husband, the male companion of a wife") – properly, the special affection of a woman for her life-time mate (husband), embracing him as her "calling" (stewardship) from God (used only in Tit 2:4)."So, the Holy Spirit is saying, through this and other parts of the Bible, including The Song, that a wife is called by God to be her husband's Shulamite, and it is the responsibility of more-experienced women to teach them how to do that.
How many modern, Christian women can honestly say their mothers, aunts, older sisters, or church lady-friends effectively taught them how to behave sexually with their own husbands? Probably not many, and that is a tragedy. The mothers of most young women probably taught them to actually be ashamed of such things, through body language and embarrassed reluctance to answer questions about sex when asked by a young daughter. They probably got the same treatment from their mothers, as did their mothers. There are probably many reasons for this, which are beyond the scope of this discussion.
The Married Apostle
Some people may criticize Paul, and reject the concepts he taught about submission, because he was not married (v. 6-7). However, the Bible tells us that Peter was married. What were his thoughts?Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. (1 Peter 3:1-6 NKJV)So, Peter talked about submission, too, and went into some detail about what that means. He referred to Abraham's wife, and echoed holy traits that are similar to those demonstrated by the Shulamite of The Song. He even pointed out that wives can win their own husbands to Jesus simply by the way they behave towards them. I recall reading the testimony of one wife who claimed a particular "sexual favor" led her own husband to Jesus. I cannot think of a more joyful way to "witness" to one's own beloved!
Practical Help
For those women who do not know an "older woman" who can teach them how to be a Shulamite, there are, thankfully, other options. The following references are either Bible-based or Christian-friendly. Many are directed specifically at women, in the spirit of Titus 2...Books
- The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
- Sheet Music, Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Dr. Kevin Leman.
- For Couples Only, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.
- Intimacy Ignited, Dr. Joseph & Linda Dillow and Dr. Peter & Lorraine Pintus. (A study of Song of Songs.)
- The Sexually Confident Wife, Shannon Ethridge. (Haven't read it, but wish my wife would!) (She did!!! Yay!)
Websites
- Awaken-Love ministry (... a good example of the Holy Spirit leading a woman to do what Paul instructed in Titus 2:4).
- Christian Friendly Sex Positions. (Tasteful, stick-figure diagrams.)
- Marriage Bed Tips.
- Marriage Heat. (Stories written by married couples about their experiences.)
- The Marriage Bed.
- Married Dance (Christian sex-toy store).
- Covenant Spice. (The link goes to "games." Browse the site for "other items," if you want.)
- Christian Nymphos (No longer active, but archived).
Blogs
- Married Christian Sex (--a current favorite).
- The Sex Talk Lady (now 'lovehopeadventure.com').
- Hot, Holy & Humorous (--one of the first blogs I started reading).
- Forgiven Wife.
- Bonny's Oysterbed7 (--helping Christian wives with low sex drive).
- To Love, Honor, & Vacuum.
These are all good, safe places to start exploring, in my opinion. The world is, obviously, full of lots of things, and many of them are not Godly. Don't let that hinder you, however! The Holy Spirit tells us through Paul to hate what is evil and cling to what is good (v. 9). Trust Jesus to lead you and listen to the Holy Spirit. If you run into something you don't like, move on or run away -- whatever the Holy Spirit tells you to do. If you have been baptized into Jesus by immersion, then you are no longer a slave to sin; you are free to walk away (v. 4-14). Jesus has already given us victory; resist the Darkness, and it will leave you in peace!
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (Romans 8:1 NKJV)The second part of that statement does not appear in many translations, but it is an indispensable definition of what it means to be "in Jesus." An enemy has done this. It is best to read Paul's letter to the Roman saints with no regard to chapters, verses or modern punctuation. Paul did not put those things there. Men did.
A Cautious Reminder
The Holy Spirit says through Paul that, yes, women are to teach other women how to be their husband's Shulamite, as we have discussed, but He wants women to otherwise be silent and let men lead His people. Adam was formed first, and Eve was deceived. One mistake can lead to disaster. To conform to God's design is to obey God; to do what we think is right is to sin; and sin leads to death.
You will see many opinions as you explore sexuality, and it is very common for people to fall into the temptation of simply quoting Scriptures from the Bible without following the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Many people presume they have the Holy Spirit when they actually do not, and those who do have Him are easily deceived. Much error has wormed its way into the Church. Many things appear to be right, but are not. Always stay close to Jesus, and constantly ask Him to give you understanding and keep you from being deceived.
I hope this discussion has been helpful, and pray it will bless you and your spouse.
Grace to you.
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1 Notice how the world has taken the Greek word philandros, which means "to love one's own husband," and twisted it into something sinful: philander -- "verb (used without object) 1. (of a man) to make love with a woman one cannot or will not marry; carry on flirtations." (Dictionary.com)
UPDATE, July 29, 2022...
This is one of my favorite posts, and I feel led to provide some context. Put the children to bed before you read further. 😉
I described in another post how my late wife and I met, and I was rather frank about some of the details. I am going to continue with some of that openness here because I am not ashamed about these things anymore, as I discussed in the main text, above. Keeping things "anonymous" removes some of the barriers to talking about important issues, too.
I became a teenager in 1971; my wife graduated from high school in 1970. The culture programmed us, big time! She was sixty-nine (69) months older than me. I juxtaposed my Seventh Grade school picture next to her community college student ID photo, and put the combination on my refrigerator to demonstrate our age difference.
As an early teenage boy, I dreamed of having a college-aged girlfriend. I remember the sight of an older girl wearing a turquoise green, crocheted bikini on the beach at North Higgins Lake State Park was very significant in my life. (My dad noticed her, too.) I eventually got my wish, ... but I had to wait about ten years for it to happen.
I was looking for an older woman, an experienced one. When I was in college, there was a fairly nice looking young man living in my dormitory hallway. His name was "Pete." I remember Pete being in my room one day and he told me how to "blouse" my shirts, as he called it. It was the "The Military Tuck" shown at this website. I found the technique quite useful and still use it to this day.
During that discussion, Pete also asked me if I had ever "been with a woman" before. I told him no. He said that he had. Once. She was an older woman, and he said the experience felt wonderful. He had my attention. That was all he said. I still occasionally think about Pete when I blouse my shirts.
After I graduated from college, I began my quest for a mate. It didn't take long before I was introduced to things I had never experienced before. My college roommate got married soon after graduation, and he was nice enough to include me in the wedding party. I got to wear a tux. Everyone always looks very nice at weddings, and I soon learned that wedding receptions are excellent places to flirt and "get to know" people of the opposite sex.
My roommate had an older cousin, and she made it clear she was interested in me at his "bachelor party" the night before, which was just four of us playing cards, including her. She told me to save her a dance. At the end of the nuptial evening, I went and asked her for one. She got a big smile on her face, and off we went.
I had never experienced someone else's tongue in my mouth before. She bear-hugged me so tightly I had to do everything I could to, ... shall we say... avoid needing to call it a night because I had to go change my clothes. This woman literally threw herself at me. We "danced" for a while until the band quit and the house lights came up. She asked me if we could go somewhere. We went out to the parking lot and locked our lips together outside the door of the venue. As people walked by us, we assessed the situation. She had a pickup truck with junk in the back; I had a Chevette. We chose the Chevette.
I learned how to remove a woman's bra, with her coaching. I think she was amused at my inexperience. That's about as far as it got. At some point in the middle of exchanging oral bacteria she happened to mention she was married. "What?!" She said she was separated. I didn't care at that point and figured it was her problem.
The Chevette was cramped, and it had a manual transmission. She asked if we could go someplace else. I told her I was staying with one of my other college roommates in a nearby motel, and she was apparently staying with some relative. God had closed the door to anything further, and I am glad. We eventually got out of the Chevette and reluctantly parted company. We saw each other the next day at my roommate's home before I left to return to Midland in my Chevette. It was a little awkward, but she had given me her business card. She was an attorney (ENTP?2) and worked in the Renaissance Center in Detroit. I wrote to her, and she wrote back. I thought about going to see her, but nothing else ever happened. It had been fun.
That experience influenced my expectations and behaviors as I continued my quest to find a mate. Ending up in the foggy car with the woman who would eventually be my wife was a direct result of what I had learned from my college roommate's cousin.
One of my good friends in high school became active with women by the time we were in college. He showed me the prophylactic he kept in his wallet. I thought about getting one, but never really considered it. I was too "chicken," and to this day, I have never purchased one. Perhaps the reason I was not "prepared" for an encounter kept me out of trouble, but I was not afraid to "push the envelope" in hopes of repeating my wedding reception experience. I figured I could control myself and resist the temptation. Yeah, that's gonna work.....
My wife and I had our first complete sexual encounter fairly soon after we started dating. Pete was right. We went to a Taco Bell restaurant afterwards and she forgot her purse when we left. We went back and it was on the floor.
She told me she was taking birth control, so I saw that as a green light to proceed without "protection." My main concern was pregnancy and I knew my parents had used "the pill" and didn't have any more kids. When we were done, she said she had "never experienced that before." I didn't understand what she meant, but apparently all of her previous experiences were with "protection."
I knew she was my "first," and based on her comment I assumed I was hers. I think my intuition told me otherwise, but I liked the idea so I kept it.
Twenty years into our marriage, after we had been going to church for some time, she figured out I still thought I was her first sexual encounter. She, of course, knew better. One day, she broke down, which was rare for her. I asked her what was wrong and she confessed to me she had had previous sexual encounters before me. She was afraid I would leave her. I told her it was fine and that we were okay. It really did not matter to me, although I was curious.
She told me about how she lost weight during the summer before her senior year in high school, and when people saw her in the Fall they almost did not recognize her. She ended up dating a boy who was a year younger than her, and they became sexually active. Apparently, they were very active, but I couldn't get her to go into many details. One day, she caught him with somebody else and it broke her heart. That is why she told me to never lie to her.
So, I knew she had had sexual experiences before I met her, and frankly that was what I was looking for. It did not matter to me, although, as her husband, I was curious and wanted to know more because I wanted to know her fully. Those experiences were a part of her.
In the last year of her life I got her to give me a complete overview of her sexual journey. She repeated what she had told me about high school, and then I encouraged her to tell me more. She did. I am not going to go into details because they are not important here. What is important is that I got her to talk about it before she died. I am so glad we had that discussion.
I really, really, really liked being married. I used to tell her, "I love being married to you," and she would respond, "I love being married to you, too." She always said I was romantic and she wasn't, but I don't think that was true. She had her ways and her moments. But our child-rearing years were very "lean" from an intimacy perspective, and at times it frustrated me. Being pregnant often makes that kind of thing impossible, especially when they are high-risk pregnancies. Raising children exhausts mothers, too, even when the kids are older. I learned to be patient, but it was difficult.
In 2012, I ran across a theBlaze.com Internet article about Internet websites marketing sex toys to Christians. This seemed like an oxymoron to me, but I was fascinated. (I cannot find the article.) Subsequent Internet perusals ultimately led to many of the references I cited near the end of the main post, above. On the thirtieth anniversary of our "foggy car experience," I broached the subject of rekindling some of the magic we had early in our relationship. She was not happy about it at first, but I persisted. Later that year, she had her first orgasm ever. I remember asking her at the time, "You didn't know what that felt like?" She responded, "I do now!" That was one of the happiest moments of my life. 😊
It has been a year and a half since I last made love with her. I miss her, and I miss it. God has been merciful, however. As her pheromones faded from my senses my desires mellowed. I have needed this time alone. I have been learning about myself. I have learned I like to cook. Nothing fancy, but I am good at making the things I like. I have learned to manage my household. Most importantly, I have grown close to God. The Apostle Paul said an unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs (1 Corinthians 7:32), but as I said before, I am not Paul.
I believe the Father intends for me to marry again. I have had enough time to think about it, and I sense this is the case. I think I know where things are heading. We shall see...
When I do remarry, I want to do it right this time. I must do it right. I know too much...
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Hebrews 10:26-31 NIV)
I am convinced the Father will bring me the right woman to be my wife, just like before. She will meet certain biblical qualifications, although perhaps not initially:
1) She must be in the Faith. I must be equally yoked. I know what this looks like because I can tell a tree by its fruit.
2) She must be available in God's eyes. I am "available" because I am widowed. David Pawson discusses relevant qualifications here.3
I look forward to the day when I can embrace a new wife. Until then, I am content to follow the Holy Spirit daily in the things the Father wants me to do.
UPDATE, August 18, 2022...
At the risk of providing "too much information," I feel led to go into even more details. I think these things are spiritually important. Those who are forgiven want it to be known, and what is whispered into my ear must be shouted from the rooftops.
My "first time" experience described above was actually two separate occasions, first at my apartment and then at her place. The first one was a Tamar/Onan situation (Genesis 38); the second was the "new experience" for her, where we actually completed the act together.
In that latter case, I remember getting to the point where we were both completely unclothed, and I stopped and began to weep. Then, I remember hardening my heart and moving forward. I think I may have picked up a spirit at that point because my attitude instantly changed and my conviction was gone. She did not remember any of this.
I believe during the next occasion she led me to her bedroom and it was very special, but I left to go back to my apartment when we were done. I remember her looking out the window at me in my sports car. The next time I spent the entire night and I recall it meant a lot to her. She fixed us a wonderful breakfast.4
When I woke up that morning I encountered some troubling thoughts. I did not know her, yet she was lying next to me. I recall suddenly being concerned about pregnancy, but I thought, "Ah, we can always get an abortion." KaahBoooom!!! Major conviction! Where did that come from?! I also recall briefly feeling a bit like Amnon did with (a different) Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:15, but I shook it off. I remember realizing I was committed to her at that point; it was what I had to do.
There was a spiritual war going on inside of me, but I am convinced the Holy Spirit gave us a good and lasting marriage. I believe my "I believe this stuff" experience when I was nine (9) years old was the moment I was "born again," and had that not happened I may have left her like everyone else did. I love her dearly, ...even now, a year and a half after she died. I am so thankful God brought us together and kept us together. I adored her, and still do.
We struggled a bit during our last year together because I sensed God was taking me somewhere (which He is), and I assumed she was coming with me. I was trying to prepare her for that, but she wanted to do things the way she always did. I think I was trying to change her, but I knew I couldn't. I knew God could heal her, and I was trying to lead her. I did not realize our personalities were enigmas to each other and I think we were both frustrated. I backed off and let God handle it. We were at peace during the last few months.
I had made a diagram for her to explain what I was trying to say. It was in colored pencil: blue, purple and scarlet, our favorite colors. It showed how pursuing worldly things spirals into death, and how repentance leads to life and where I wanted to go. It was my opinion; I think it was inspired by the Holy Spirit, and in hindsight it seems to have prophesied her death, just like the meme she gave me. I put the diagram into a protective sleeve and gave it to her. It is one of the first things I thought about the moment I knew she was gone. I do not know what she did with it. I cannot find it, and I've looked everywhere I can think of. It is hidden from me; I don't know why. I hope it eventually turns up.
This is all very serious stuff. Jesus said...
“If anyone causes one of these little ones -- those who believe in me -- to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come! ..." (Matthew 18:6-7 NIV)
Was I one of the "little ones"? Did her facilitation of my fornication sin earn her the wages she suffered? It haunts me. I am comforted that we achieved her spiritual milestones, as I described elsewhere in this blog, and I know she had faith. I must have faith. I believe she is okay, but the whole thing continues to trouble me.
Please pray for me. Pray for my family. This war is frightening.
UPDATE, January 23, 2023...
Added the Lot-A-Burger receipt photo.
UPDATE, February 5, 2023...
4 Adjusted details of this paragraph to better fit my memories. If I am going to share, it is important to testify as closely as possible to what I believe is the Truth.
UPDATE, May 23, 2023...
Added the "Your share" photo.
UPDATE, September 19, 2023...
My Master has been helping me process some guilt I have had ever since I began a relationship with my wife. He reminds me that conviction comes from him, but shame is from the Darkness.
I always felt I had taken advantage of her in my quest for sex, and I suppose I did, but it has become clear to me that though I had some other opportunities prior to her, the door was always closed. Until her. Case in point, my college roommate's cousin, as discussed above.
During my first day on the job at "309 Building" (yes, 3 + 0 + 9 --> 12 --> 3), I saw an attractive, young woman sitting at the desk in the common area of the concrete block building, and I realized this could be a prime opportunity. My INTJ personality quickly processed the possibilities. She was a college co-op, so she was a bit younger than me.
I soon knew she was not a prospect, however. First of all, her term of work finished a couple of months after I had arrived, and as I rode in a car back from her "going away luncheon," I couldn't help but notice her overtly flirting with a married man in the front seat. Ah, no... I dismissed her just as I would have dismissed a woman who was smoking a cigarette. As they say in Britain, she was "a non-starter." I do wish her well, however.
That girl was replaced by another college co-op who was very sweet. Unfortunately, she was also very dyslexic and made so many errors in her clerical work that it would have been easier if I had just done her work myself. I became very frustrated. My INTJ personality does not like when things do not work, and this situation clearly was not working. I was also not looking forward to training someone else when her year-long term was up. I suspect my feedback to management probably had something to do with them hiring a full-time employee to do the job when she was done.
By God's grace, this story ended up similar to the story of "The Three Bears." The third woman who came into the building to work for me was just right, although I was not sure at first. I recognized her from elsewhere in the plant and remember thinking she was rather plump, initially judging the situation as a disappointment. (The "J = judging" part of my INTJ personality sometimes jumps to wrong conclusions.) Looking back at photos from the time, she was not nearly as large as she got when we were both very overweight, but she did not meet the svelte fantasies I harbored from all the Barbie-doll photos I had seen in magazines, TV, and movies.
All of that took a back seat once I actually started working with her and got to know her. She was competent. Not only that, she was good at what she did, and my INTJ personality greatly valued those qualities. I quickly grew to trust her and found I could leave a job with her and it would be done right.
I asked her late in our marriage if she had "gone after me." She denied it and didn't respond much, but I knew she had. She applied what she had learned in high school and began starving herself to lose weight. She eventually got down to 120 pounds and actually had a waist, even though she was very short-waisted and had scoliosis. She told me about the party, and things moved on from there. And God arranged it. My former roommate and a volleyball friend from college showing up looking for a party that night was not an accident and had never happened before, nor since. God made sure she and I got together, and stayed together.
She was exactly what I needed, and I began falling in love with her through her work ethic. She saw what she wanted and came after it. And she enjoyed it. I was so blessed, and continue to be blessed by my fond memories of her.
I miss her so much.
UPDATE, January 7, 2024...
My Lessons Learned post gave me closure concerning my Amélie friend, and I have moved on. I am grateful for what my friend taught me, and for the "advice" the Amélie movie character gave me. It has all been fundamental for preparing me for what The LORD has in store.
The biggest thing I have gotten out of this chapter in my life is understanding my own personality, and being at peace with myself. This is how God made me.
I am ready to date. I still love my wife, but she would want me to move on, and I am ready. It is going to be fun, and I am going to take my time, ...hopefully. I crave romance, and the companionship I had with my bride.
Reading about myself, I see I tend to pursue relationships in this order...
The INTJ's excitement for thoughts and ideas extends into their relationships as well as other parts of life. They will feel most bonded with those who match them in intellectual curiosity and ability. Any long-lasting love relationships will start with a mind connection, and then graduate to the physical and emotional attachment.
That is what happened with my wife, as I discussed above, so that is probably what will happen this time. The coffee shop and the mall may help facilitate that mind connection, but God is creative and He may bring it about through some other route. We shall see.
The natural partners of INTJ are ENFP and ENTP types. The INTJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition pairs naturally with Extraverted Intuitive types.
2 My college roommate's cousin was an attorney. One of my "natural partners" is a "lawyer type"...
The ENTP personality type is sometimes referred to the "lawyer type," that quickly and accurately understands a situation, and objectively and logically acts upon it using their auxiliary Introverted Thinking function.
I need someone who will challenge me and debate me. I crave it. I have lived my life with people who tended to suppress what I must do in order to excel at my job. I have bent over backwards to not hurt people's feelings and get along with everyone. I need a partner who will set me free and affirm my purpose and mission. And The LORD knows this...
Computer dating services probably use these kinds of associations to try to match people, but I am not interested in engaging in those worldly tactics. I will let my Master bring me a mate, if that is His Plan. Just like Abraham's servant knew Rebekah was "the one," I will know. He did it before with the mother of my children, and He will do it again.
The LORD knows my desires and my preferences. He knows them exactly. I am so looking forward to this.
UPDATE, January 10, 2024...
3 The link to the webpage with the audio files I listened to seems to be missing or broken. I am leaving it here in case it becomes available again.
Here is a link to Individual Messages about divorce and remarriage. I do not believe I have listened to these, but am sure the content is similar.
Here is a link to the webpage highlighting his book, Remarriage is Adultery Unless....
His video introducing the book is a good summary and worth listening to. It is short.
David Pawson died in 2020.
Adjusted footnotes to keep the footnote subjects (red) in order.